On the weekend I went out to take some pictures, a little hobby of mine that helps me to destress. The sky was blue and the air was warm enough to open your jacket but not hot enough to take it off. The bugs were out in full force and even though I had to abide by the social distancing rules like the rest of the world, it was nice to see a few people getting in some exercise on their bikes, the couples taking in a leisure walk and the guy with his professional camera taking nature pics. And then there was me - swatting bugs left right and centre…totally drawing attention to myself to the point where this guy on a bike was like “its not that bad”. Ya ok sir...considering you have a bandana across your face, glasses and a hat on while I’m over here trying not to inhale the infestation of bugs that surrounded me at every angle. They were in my eyes, stuck to my lip gloss, attempting to take up real estate on my scalp with the help of the coconut oil I lathered on my head and they were all over my clothes UGH. Needless to say, it was nice to take in some fresh air.
Now there was something I would say almost magical about this day. You see I didn’t have on a wig, a head wrap or a hat on my head. Now you might be like so what’s the big deal? Well it was a big deal because I never leave my house without something covering my head. I am not ashamed of being bald, but there is just something in me where I'm not ready to leave behind some sort of covering. But on this day, I left my hat in the car and casually got out without giving it a second thought. It felt good and the sun shining on my scalp felt incredible. It was a sensation I had not experienced in years and I welcomed it with open arms. I felt free, happy and at peace - I was smiling to myself. I even stopped at the gas station and walked in without a care in the world. I was giddy on the inside and kept looking at my reflection wherever I could catch it. As I am sure you can understand, these last few months have been so rough with self-isolation, and so many unknowns, but funny enough it is in this isolation that I am finding freedom and what would you know a reason to smile. Sometimes the very thing we’re looking for is right in front of us and for me what I’ve been looking for was a genuine reason to smile. Don’t get me wrong I am grateful for all that I have but it was on this day I was reminded that what I was looking for was not something I could buy online, order through an app or seek through the validation from others. It was on the inside and all I needed to do was search inwardly instead of outwardly.
I have no idea what made me leave my hat in the car on this day because it was so out of character for me but I think it was the universe giving me a reset in the midst of her own reset. It was to remind me that in the depths of uncertainty, anxiety, insecurity and even self-doubt there is always a reason to smile, it’s just a matter of where your gaze is.