A moment of vulnerability with alopecia

Updated: Apr 19, 2020

Today is a good day. I feel good, I’m chipper, had a bit of comfort food at lunch today, paid some bills, laughed with friends, overall no complaints. But as I sit here I had a thought…well several actually.

I don’t know why its such a challenge to let myself be 100% free. What I mean by this is, why is it so hard for me to just be wig less all the time or wig less from time to time in public? There are days when I just don’t feel like flat ironing my wig, making sure it’s aligned with my scalp and secured. There are days when I look at it and get so turned off by it yet in that moment I still pick it up and put it on, and if it’s not the wig, it’s a scarf or a hat…a multitude of security blankets that I just cannot seem to leave behind. But why can’t I? An internal struggle that I just can’t seem to shake. Don’t get me wrong I do like the versatility and playfulness wigs can give, there're super fun and the styles are endless. But one of my goals is to be able to be so carefree where I don’t wear a wig to work. Now of course I should not care what anyone has to say but there is a part of me that can't rattle the concept of what if.

Now sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me…but I don’t know how true that is. Names and questions and the ignorance of others do hurt, and I have not come to a place where I just don’t give a f@ck what someone else thinks.

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This is a tug of war I contend with where I'm confident in so many other areas of my life but this teeny tiny thing I'm working to overcome. Am I making sense? Do any of you feel this way or have felt something similar? Am I just being a drama queen?

When I’m in the comfort of my home I am as free as a bird, but am I really free? How can I be free, when I feel caged when I step outside? Is it because I'm afraid of how people may react? Is it because I won’t “fit in” and look “normal” or perhaps it’s because once I leave my comfort zone my vulnerability is exposed for all to see. I won’t be able to hide behind the bangs in my wig, I can’t retreat to pulling my baseball hat down and I can’t blend in with the ponytails, bedheads, messy buns or flowy tresses. Crap, the discoloration of my scalp would stand out too much, my dry patches may start to flake if I have an itch…I would be completely bare to the world - the women with no hair. The women who thinks she can hear the thoughts of others who may look at her twice, or smile out of politeness and curiosity.

I know that a step is still a step big or small as long as you place one foot in front of the other. I also do not want to get caught up in comparing my beginning to someone else’s middle. We all progress and process life differently. I’d like to acknowledge and celebrate my victories, I mean I’ve created this platform where I can express myself and hope that we can encourage each other no matter where we are in our journey. I could keep rambling on and on but I just wanted to share a snippet of my thoughts with you today. I feel good today and I am very blessed and for every story I share and the inspiration of other people's middle reminds me that I too will get there, one step at a time.